He's on his porch, feet propped on a lawn chair. Long hair that curls up @ the end. Slightly pudgy. Snake tattoo on his arm. Stubble on his chin. He was eyeing me as I canvassed the opposite side of the street. By the time I get to him, he's somehow got out a leather-bound bible with a cross on the front. He's pretending not to notice me, and then suddenly he looks up.
What's up. You need somethin?
You're inviting people to your church to study the Bible? Naw man, I'm already a Catholic. I go to the church around here, Maria de Guadalupe. You're in the wrong neighborhood to be going around. Ain't nothin but poor people + gangbangers. So whatcha doin out here man?
That's a crazy story. You used to do all that? Man, I couldn't tell by looking at you now. What's wrong with you, dawg, not wanting to be a lawyer? Man, take that ticket man! Get a nice beamer, girls will be all over you! Ain't nothing wrong with that. Naw, I ain't married, but I'm gonna have some fun until then.
Not about the money? Yeah it is about the money. Money can get you security. Happiness. You ain't have to worry bout nothin, just settle down, buy a nice house. Relax. That's the golden rule for me man: Do for yourself before you have it done unto you.
Let me tell you bro. I used to do construction, cement, $25 dollars an hour. Good money, but you gotta work your butt off. So now I deal. You want some? Haha. Cops don't care about weed, they just write you a ticket for that. They go after the hard stuff, cocaine. So I ain't do that here. I go out to Malibu + hit up those trust fund babies. That's 1,000 a day, easy.
Gotta pack a gun though. I remember one time, this yuppie tried to grab my stuff, + I pulled my gun on him like this. He got all scared + threw out a roll of bills + ran off w/ the stash. He still calls me when he needs more coke though.
No, I ain't scared to live like that. You just gotta keep your eye on who you sell to. There's people I trust, and people I don't. Gotta watch 'em carefully + make sure they're not doing any funny business. It's just like any other career - someone's gonna do it as long as the benefits are worth the risks, ya know?
But I was raised with morals though. I don't do any of that hard stuff. I seen what it does to you. + I ain't sell to no kids around here. I mean, I don't go to church, but I try to read my Bible sometimes. Haven't in a while.
Huh? Jesus? Bro, I don't really believe too much in Jesus. I'm more about God the Father. Strong, powerful. Jesus is kinda weak, you know. Homeless + all that, that ain't what I'm about.
Prayer requests? Naw man. I'm cool.
My family? Naw man, I ain't care about...actually. Yeah. I do got a little girl. When I was in high school, like 14, I had this girlfriend who was in college. She was studyin to be a lawyer. I got her pregnant. + she had the baby. We was fighting a lot. Then one day her dad decided to move to New York + so she took my little daughter w/ her. I wanted to pay child support but they wouldn't even let me. So what could I do, her dad's a lawyer + all that. So I've just talked to my lil' girl on the phone a few times, since then. She's what, 5 now. I'm starting to forget what she looks like.
The cocky gangster tone changes as he mentions his daughter. No longer the flippant talk of drugs and guns and danger. No more cuss words in every other sentence. His eyes get soft, then he looks away.
You really gonna pray 4 her? Thanks bro. Hey it was good to meet you man. You said the meetings were on what night again? OK, I'll try to come. Alright. Peace.
Underneath the veneer of a hardened dealer, is the vulnerable gut of a daddy that melts @ the sound of a little girl's lisp. He doesn't know it + wouldn't admit it. But he's got a Dad who feels that way about him too.
Jerusalem, Jerusalem…abuser of the ones who brought you God's news! How often I've ached to embrace your children, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn't let me. (Matt 22:37)
If you judge people, you have no time to love them. -Mother Theresa
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